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10 Thoughts

The time has come round once again for me to take part in a blogging tag. I’ll always get involved in these things for a couple of reasons.

1 – I’m nosey to a fault. This lends itself very well to my curious nature.

2 – If I’m suffering from writers block (this happens on the regular) then it gives me a purpose to write.

This tag in question is for the blogger to list 10 things about themselves, I guess it’s like a little get to know the blogger type thing.

Now, this posed a problem you see, as I’ve done similar before. When I was 29 (all those years ago), I wrote a blog post entitled 29 Things About Me.  Thus, there’s quite a lot of (mundane) facts about me out there already.

Now, I could wax lyrical about the time I had sex at a wedding. But I can’t remember a lot about that.  Or I could tell you about the time I did the deed in a graveyard, but remembering that story makes me cringe a bit so I’d rather not if it’s all the same to you.

I could regale you with the time I filmed TOWIE in Marbella, only to end up on the cutting room floor ONCE AGAIN (none taken) and what was 5 hours of filming ended up with just my massive conk making the cut; provided you paused at the relevant moment and already had prior knowledge of my nose being on TV.

Perhaps you’d like to know about the time I s….actually, maybe not. I probably should leave that one for the book I’ve been threatening to write or possibly that piece of information should never be made public. EVER.

Instead of telling you about my third nipple or that I’m as close to my star sign (Taurean) as you can possibly imagine, I’m going to let you explore something else instead. I’m going to write down the 10 things that play on my mind the most.  These will be my innermost, deepest, darkest thoughts.

FUCK.

This will go one of two ways, you’ll either think I’m a fucking weirdo or you might find yourself relating to me. Who knows. Hopefully it won’t be too morose and have you reaching for the wine or worse.

10.Will I ever achieve my dreams?

I make no secret of the fact I want to be a writer. It’s my passion.  I’d love to be paid to write, if someone offered me the chance to have my own column in a magazine or newspaper I’d bite their hand off without second thought.

I worry that it will never happen. That I’ve missed the boat, that I’m too old, that I’m not good enough and this is something I think of A LOT.

9.Am I going to be late?

I hate being late. It makes me anxious and although it doesn’t happen often, I always feel like I’m affected by time constraints & literally plan everything I need to do down to the minute.  In saying all of that I’m the least organised person you’ll ever meet.  Weird, that.

8.Am I a good Mum is a question I will ask myself hourly

Find me a Mum who doesn’t have this thought on a daily basis and I’ll be impressed. I’m not a natural Mum.  I can’t cook, crafts aren’t my thing and sometimes I just can’t be arsed to read the same book for the 3rd time in a row but Christ alive, I hope if my son is ever asked whether he had a great Mum his answer is a resounding yes.

7.I second guess everything

This drives my other half insane. But I can’t help it.  I’ll try and guess what he’s thinking.  In fact I’ll try and guess what everyone is thinking.  I’ll be trying to guess what you’re thinking whilst you’re reading this now.  You’re thinking this is shit right?

6.I’m petrified of losing someone close to me

Isn’t this everyone’s fear? I’ve experienced the death of grandparents, friends, pets and it’s hard.  It’s so tough.  Seeing others go through grief, knowing you’ll never see that person again, that life as you knew it is over and it’s fucking tough.  I’m a strong person but I do worry how I’d cope if someone I hold dear, rely upon and love with every fibre of my being would no longer be here.

5.I catastrophise everything

Wes is late from work. He’s been in an accident.

I’ve not heard from so and so today. I’ve fucked them off.

I forgot to send that e-mail by a certain time. I’ll get the sack.

This thought process has been the case for YEARS. I’m much better at handling that element of my anxiety disorder now but fucking hell it don’t half get on my (lack of) tits sometimes.  I can be a right Doomsayer on occasion.

4.My body/weight/image is something I think about more often than I’d like to

I never used to care. From the age of 21 – 24 it wasn’t something that bothered me.  Then I lost over 5 stone in the space of 18 months and being honest, I was obsessed.  Then I got pregnant and watching myself gain weight was difficult.  I lost all my pregnancy weight and ended up being lighter than I was when I got pregnant and now I’m the heaviest I’ve been since pregnant and before that, since 2011 and I’m not happy.  My clothes are tight, I feel uncomfortable and annoyingly I’m constantly comparing myself to celebrities on Instagram/in magazines/on TV and I hate that.  I’m in a place where my weight is on my mind too much but I can’t be arsed to do something about it and that annoys me more than anything.

3.I spend too much time remembering the past

When it comes to dates of past events I am the Queen of remembering EVERYTHING. My friends will text me asking me when such and such happened, the date we took our GCSE’s (May 2002), what was the date I pretended to be a journalist in a bar to get free drinks (July 21st 2012) you name it, I’ll remember it.

I’m basically like Timehop. I don’t even need that app because I can tell you that 4 years ago today I was on my way back from Amsterdam, 7 years ago today I was planning my leaving do for a job I resigned from without having another to go to, 9 years ago I was planning how to leave my then boyfriend without him noticing and 14 years ago I was cleaning toilets in Reflections hair salon.

2.My most frequent thought is ‘do I have another baby’?

A year ago I was resolute in my decision that I didn’t want to add to my family. One was enough and that was it.

I’m in a totally different mindset now and a day will not go by where I don’t think about having another child.

For me, it’s a bigger decision to have a second child than it was to decide to have my first baby. I guess this is because I know just how life changing and how difficult being a parent is.

I’m only 30. I have time on my side.  I just don’t want to get to 40 or older and regret not having had another baby.  I’m aware I’m broody and that’s a feeling I’ve not experienced for a good 4 years.  We’ll see what happens and in the meantime my twitching ovaries will have to just stop twitching.

1.My biggest fear is death

I’ve always been a worrier. Since I was a kid the most stupid things would play on my mind.  Health anxiety was a huge part of my mental illness.  I’d obsess over the symptoms of meningitis, I’d constantly touch my head convinced a small lump of skin was a brain tumour and I’d worry the revelation of a new bruise was leukaemia.  I knew too much about illnesses for a child and for someone who didn’t experience the death of someone until I was 16, mortality was something that preyed on my mind too much.

Having Generalised Anxiety Disorder doesn’t help this thought process of course.  I could be walking to work and a thought will pop into my head along the lines of “what if that car doesn’t realise it’s a red light and ploughs straight into me” but I have learnt to deal with these thoughts so they no longer cause me crippling anxiety.

Death is so final. I worry about the people I’d leave behind and how they’d cope (this is meant in the least arrogant way).  I worry about how I’ll die. Dying alone doesn’t frighten me, it’s how I die and the ramifications it will have on others that does.

Well, I bet you’re feeling right fed up now aren’t you? I’ve put you in a real depressed mood. Soz about that., go and watch videos of dancing kittens or something perhaps. 

Time for me to pass le baton to 2 of my favourites.  They like a good swear word so therefore I like them.

Honest Father

Notaneffingfairytale

 

 

This Post Has 41 Comments

  1. Hamster McKenzie

    Wow you’re basically me. Or I’m you?
    Except for all the sex. But otherwise I’m gonna start calling you Sis.
    Loving your work as always
    H. McKenzie

  2. Tracey

    Great post Mrs. I see me in all these [ I’d kill for a regular paid writing job but worry constantly I’m not good enough ! ] apart from the one point – I’m not scared of dying anymore, just of the things / people I leave behind.
    I’m not feeling depressed at all. I’m actually smiling.
    Thanks for sharing , Tracey xx

  3. Themotherhub.ie

    I’m a terrible catastrophiser too – it’s exhausting

  4. I love this post! Very honest and I found it highly amusing how many of the examples in your intro involved sex!
    I can relate to point 4 completely. Like you I lost 5 stone, got pregnant, put it all back on then lost innsgain e ding up lighter than when I started. My weight has always been an obsession and at time a very unhealthy one!
    #FriYAYLinky

  5. Katrina

    regarding #2 — have that second baby! (okay my opinion might be negated by the fact that I have ten children, so I’m extremely biased about adding on to anyone’s family – I always say go for it!)

    regarding #1 — Death used to be my biggest fear but now it has switched to abduction or human trafficking or kidnapping of any kind when it comes to my little kids and my big kids, even my adult kids. Not knowing where one of my children is would be hell on earth, and I’d rather die than for that to happen. So, death? Meh. No longer my biggest fear. Not even the death of one of my children, that’s not my biggest fear (been there, done that, and while it’s awful, I still think that a child disappearing and never knowing what happened to him/her would be worse, as that would be like a death but without closure, without any kind of peace…ever again.)

  6. Ah Rach I dont think youre a nutter at all. I am a total over thinker too and was one of those psycho girls who would wonder why hasnt he called, text etc! Thank god i chilled out a bit and have someone who makes me feel secure!!! #fortheloveofblog

  7. Human condition is to overthink, I think. It’s our punishment for idle time. Guilty as charged. #fortheloveofBLOG

  8. Wes

    Cracking little read. You feel nothing more and nothing less than anyone else. Perfectly rational thoughts and a very interesting ‘insight’.

    Keep up the good work.

  9. I could have written this. Apart from the graveyard bit. Weirdo! 😉 Oh, and no more babies ta! I think an awful lot of this is anxiety, which you are clearly aware of, but it’s funny how similarly it presents itself in us both. I know when my anxiety is getting the upper hand when I start worrying about something happening to my children. Great take on the questions. Thanks for joining us at the #bigpinklink

  10. Oh my word, I share all of these. Well apart from the baby one because at 49 I’m too old for that. I loved reading this. #fortheloveofBLOG

  11. I suffer from anxiety and a massive part of that is death, I’m 28 and have still not suffered the loss of any family members or close friends, which I’m obviously very grateful for. All of my grandparents are still alive, we are a family of young breeders so they aren’t as old as you may think haha! Recently a situation at work meant I sat with a lady as she passed and despite sending me into initially a blind panic and a huge health kick it has now somewhat eased my worrying. Luckily it was a peaceful death but none the less it was the first person I had seen die.
    I hope you achieve your ambitions, go get the magazine column, I’m sure you will if you keep reaching and striving for your dreams
    #globalblogging

  12. Ohh there is a lot of me in this post. Worrying about being late, others dying, was I a good mum (answer no) and catastrophising are all traits I have. I think these are all closely linked to anxiety dissorders and that is something else we have in common.
    #biglinklink

  13. I’m nosy too (I like to call it interested in people) so I really enjoyed reading it. Re, point three watch a movie called embrace which I saw recebtly( of course I blogged about it 🙂 ) it really challenges a life time of body negativity #bloggersclubuk

  14. Totally with you on number 8, I ask myself if I’m a good mum or doing it wrong at least 20 times a day! I really hope you get your dream writing job! Hang in there 🙂

  15. shahin

    Death is my fear too.Recent daus its squeezing me and I feel still I have lot of thinga to do

  16. Jerry

    Interesting read. Good to see that there’s others who think similar thoughts…

  17. chloe

    Hi, I was drawn to your post when I saw that you are nosey, as I’m often getting told of for this even as a grown up. I enjoyed your honesty in this post, I to may spend to much time remembering the past to much. It’s great for quizzes and when the time tunnel is on the radio :), Chloe #BestAndWorst

  18. Yep. I think about a lot of these too. I know I think too much, but I just can’t help it!
    #showmeyours

  19. You sound like a combo of me and hubby – both scared od death. I have the health anxiety aspect and he catatrophises everything!!! You are not alone. Keep writing by the way – you are very good at it!! Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst

  20. Hate being late, I am more likely to turn up early or not turn up at all, there is no inbetween for me. Having a child has challenged that so much! #dreamteam

  21. I am weird about saying goodbye. If my husband and I have an argument and he storms out the house and doesn’t say goodbye properly I stress until he comes home because I’m terrified he will be in a car crash or something and our final moment will be angry hurtful words. Saying goodbye is my fear.
    #showmeyours

  22. Aleena

    Your honesty is great! I also hate being late, but with 2 under 3’s I’ve had to kind of embrace it a little!! #StayClassyMama

  23. If the sex at a wedding doesn’t deserve it’s on blog post, I don’t know what does. Anyway…

    I’m a complete hypochondriac so the fear of death is so real for me. But more so than that, I fear losing someone close to me too. For fucks sake. Why is life so hard? That’s the question I ask myself all day.

    Okay,..time to post my comment. But I’m second guessing myself. (See. We’re practically the same person.)

    Thanks for linking up, lovey. I adore you and your blog. But you know this! #ShowMeYours

  24. Pen

    I worry about dying and leaving Cygnet motherless and also about losing my parents or my brother or sister.
    My worst nightmare would be to lose Cygnet – my only child. I don’t know how I could ever carry on.

    What a morbid comment. Sorry. pen x #brillblogposts

  25. laura

    Aw bless you, you sound just like me! I suffer hugely from anxiety so I can really relate and my mind comes up with the crappest of scenarios for every situation!

    Thank you so much for linking up to the #friyaylinky xx

  26. I agree that a TAG is a great way to get over writer’s block. And yes, we will continue asking ourselves for the rest of our lives, if we are good mothers… I myself am a worry wart.. Oh the joys… Thanks for sharing with #globalblogging

  27. The more of these points I read the more I began to think that we must be related! You have a brilliant and succinct way of capturing it all here whereas in my head it’s kind of one big messed up stew of sorts! Please let there be a book!! Thanks for sharing with #DreamTeam lovely x

  28. Now I really want to know the graveyard story;) On a serious not though, also second guess most things and drive everyone crazy. My best friend is just like you remembering everything. She remembers most about my teenage years than I do and it’s great 🙂 As for another baby, I absolutely understand and feel the same as you but the biggest difference is that I’m 36 and already have 2. I would love a third but feel that maybe we left it too long. Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama

  29. He who doesn’t fear death only dies once. ~Giovanni Falcone

    Don’t be afraid of death. Its easy to say but as someone who has experienced death of a close family member at a young age, I know that there is nothing to fear. We grieve, we change, we grow, eventually we start living again and we remember.

    We cannot change how we leave, but we can make sure what we leave is positive.

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