Until recently, if you’d have asked me whether I identify as a feminist a big, fat, resounding yes would have been my answer.
Of course I’m a feminist. Shouldn’t everyone be a feminist? Wouldn’t I be betraying my gender if I didn’t believe that women should expect an equal playing field in all aspects of modern day life?
For me, it is illogical to hold the belief that women are effectively men’s subordinates. Why should the gender that someone is born into, have a negative impact on their life? On the choices and decisions they’re able and wanting to make?
So yes, of course I’m a feminist. Equal rights for all! No exceptions.
And this is a big however.
I’m beginning to pick up on something that is making me feel uncomfortable. Really fucking uncomfortable. And I do not like it one bit.
The dictionary definition of feminism is clear and concise. Unequivocal in fact.
The word “equality” is there in black and white. There is no mistaking it.
So why is it that the equality that we’re still fighting for is seemingly replaced by divisiveness?
Over the last 12 months I have come into contact, quite frequent contact, with extreme feminists. These feminists I have encountered don’t believe in equal rights.
“Men no longer have a voice. Their opinion means shit”
“I hate men”
“All men are trash”
That last one enrages me. Fucking enrages me. And usually my retort is “I’m sorry the men in your life are trash, but the men in mine are far from it”. I’m yet to read or hear a coherent response that leaves me conceding.
I’ll hate someone if they’re a dick, not because they have a dick. Your gender holds no bearing on my opinion of you. Blaming a whole gender for something is blatant sexism. The very thing that feminism is purportedly trying to end.
I’m the Mother of a son. A fiercely protective Mother, at that. He can’t help the sex he is born into, anymore than I can help the sex I was born into and so on.
We, as people, are responsible for our own actions. Not the actions of our fellow man or woman. If a woman does something horrendous, commits a heinous crime shall we say, then who is to blame for that woman’s act? Me? My best friend? My Mother? Jane who lives in London and works a 9-5 job? Is it fuck. It’s the perpetrator of said crime. She is the one to blame for her actions. Blaming it on her gender is lazy.
You could counter that it’s generations of the balance being disproportionate in favour of males. We need to readdress that balance! We need to right the wrongs of years gone by!
It’s a no from me.
My son isn’t to blame for that. Declaring that you hate his gender is divisive. It’s dangerous. It’s unhelpful. Saying that all men are trash, puts him on the backfoot before he’s even stepped foot into the big, bad world. The onus is on me and his father to instil him with good values, respect and morals. His gender won’t make a blind bit of difference.
Going back to the feminism that I subscribe to. I’m all about women making their own decisions. Autonomy over their own bodies.
“Formula 1 will end the long-standing practice of using walk-on grid girls, commencing with the start of the 2018 FIA Formula 1 World Championship season.”
LET. WOMEN. DECIDE
And, if you’re so concerned about objectification. If you feel that being a grid girl for Formula 1 is degrading someone to being seen as just an object then shouldn’t we stop men from choosing to be ‘Butlers in the Buff’ at hen parties and the like? Because, you know; fair’s fair.
The feminism that I subscribe to allows women to be who they want to be. Free from judgement with no barriers curtailing them from living the life they want to live. Not bowing to pressure from people who do not know them, do not know their journey’s or their experiences in life.
I’ve spent a great deal of this week questioning whether I really am a feminist.
Yes, I want equality for all.
However, the more I read about feminism in 2018 I’m beginning to realise that I don’t want a part of it. My hopes for my son to grow up in an equal world are naïve.
Lastly, I’ll leave you with this.
I’ve put my question to the Metro but unsurprisingly I’m yet to hear back. I won’t. I know I won’t. It’s already fallen on deaf ears.
Trivialising male domestic violence. What a world, eh?
This Post Has 58 Comments
I really hope that you don’t give up on feminism. Feminism needs people like you to cut through the bullshit. It needs people like you and me to stand up and say we are feminists and we won’t stand for you trying to oppress others in the way women have been oppressed over the centuries. To me, the ‘feminism’ you describe in this post is not true feminism. It’s people trying to discriminate under the guise of feminism. For true equality for all including less able bodied people, the LGBTQ+ community, people of all races, we all need to work together.
Please don’t give up on feminism, it needs you.
On the ball again Missus. Top post
Thank you. Just thank you!! You have literally taken my thoughts and put them into an extremely well written and thought provoking piece!! THIS is what I want the world to be when my children (g7 &b3) are grown. Equality… for all!!
Wholeheartedly agree with this post. I will never call myself a feminist because I have encountered too many extreme feminists who are anti-men. Not only man-haters who beleive that men should have LESS rights than women, but also women who decide what is degrading to other women, like you mention. I’ve heard feminists say that if women want equality, they shouldn’t wear dresses, skirts, makeup or heels. That women shouldn’t do jobs like modelling or pole dancing or any job which “exploits sexuality”. I don’t agree with that point of view. There are many instances where women have found these kind of jobs empowering. It was someones choice to do that job. It seems there are feminists dictating how other women should dress and how they should act and what they should do.
And rightly or wrongly, I feel that with extreme feminism, comes the death of chivalry. I’m the sort of person who likes it if one of the men at work offers to do the heavy lifting – because their bodies are better built for it than mine. I like it when men hold doors open for women, pay the bill and act like “gentlemen” and society has dictated that because I like those things, I can’t ever be a feminist. And that’s just fine by me. I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
Of course I’d like us to have equal rights when it comes to the important things, like pay, rights, access to promotion, and I’m glad the feminists of days gone by fought to win us the vote. It’s equality I beleive in – not hating men and fighting against them.
There are many incredible, inspiring and influential feminists out there, working wonders for equality, but there are also the extremists who give feminism a bad name. And it’s because of those, that I’d rather take a back seat and be considered naive or ignorant, rather than “a feminist”.
I don’t like feminists, and actively stay away from anyone – male or female – who calls themselves one. They’re just horrible people.
It’s a hysterical hate ideology. Women are vastly privileged compared to men – they live longer, control most spending, are only 2% of those killed or injured at work, just 10% of the homeless, more spent on their health, more lenient sentencing, get the kids after divorce etc (and NOW – like other feminist organizations, campaigns against shared parenting).
If feminists didn’t have double standards, they wouldn’t have any standards at all. It’s always been a tool for fueling hysterical moral panics – from the Satanic sex abuse hysteria of the 80s to #MeToo now.
It all makes me think a lot less of women quite honestly, and I wouldn’t want to work with, or be around, a feminist.
Great post. I have a girl and a boy, and would like both to grow up with equal opportunities. I wouldn’t want them to be hobbled for being female or male.
My mummy isn’t a modern day feminist, in fact, like you she’s appalled by the behaviour of some, especial their hate campaigns against men. #BigPinkLink
I really hope you don’t give up on Feminism. Unfortunately, the word means different things to different people. Equality is also the key word for me. We, as Feminists, need to call out when we see examples of non-equality. In some scenarios, this will also mean advocating men’s rights in the name of equality. Pen x #mondaystumble
Please don’t give up on being a feminist, trust me we need women like you! I agree there are some women out there who purely just want to hate on men, and that is not equality! As women though we are oppressed, and we need to stand together and unite to have equal rights. As a white women I know my rights are better than women of other races to, and they need us to keep fighting for them also. The women who want to blame every man, or hate on every man have their own issues that they need to deal with, but we can not let them stop us from uniting against sexual violence, equal pay, the right to feel safe walking down a street by ourselves, being sold as sex slaves, child marriage etc. Stay strong, keep fighting and believing in equality. I have been beaten, left bloody and bruised and I was raped, I have been asked by a man I thought was a friend to send him photographs of my breasts even though he was supposedly friends with my husband too. I have been grabbed on my breasts and butt whilst clubbing when I was younger, I have men flash their cocks at me and asked me to suck it, I have been told by my boss that he only wants me to book him clients that are good looking. Yet I have many amazing, beautiful men in my life, like you my son, I have my father, my husband, and many male friends. I do not hate men, but I do hate inequality. I am a feminist, I do not have to hate men to be one! #bigpinklink
I would love you to read my post linked to #bigpinklink as I would be interested in your opinion on it
Sadly the term feminism has been rather taken over by some with very extremest views and like you, that does not sit well with me. IMHO to be a feminist means we all have the same chances in our lives regardless of our gender and we are all able to make our own choices, not to be dictated to by a man or another woman. #MMBC
Some modern day feminists are just idiots. They just blame men for everything, acuse them of being part of the patriarchy without knowing anything about them. I think liberalism in general is getting a bad rap of late due to the social justice warriors. Everything swings back and fore though, eventually they’ll find a better middle ground.
Extreme feminism is really tainting the meaning of feminism. All this man hating and pushing for puritanical behaviour. Those pit girls for example and other models get well paid, do the job by choice and if I were young and gorgeous I’d want a bit of that action too. Where will this 2017/18 craziness end
I so agree with you, feminism has almost become a dirty word, I’d much rather believe in equality.
I get this. I think people need to realise that feminism doesn’t equate to man bashing. I feel being labelled a feminist is starting to have negative connotations, due to these people who believe that rather than raising up women, they need to bring down men.
I think the extreme left/right in any situation are just ridiculous. Politics, feminism, LGBTQ – the very far right and left wings of each side make the moderate middle want to scream with rage. They hijack the issue until the entire message is completely lost. #BloggersBest
Loved it, thank you. Too often in today’s world (it is the same here in Australia too) people equate retribution with equality and liberation. Nothing is healed with hate. To abandon thoughts of retribution for past injustices and seek pure unconditional equality for all women will definitively prove they are the fairer sex (in the equitable not aesthetic sense). God knows men have been running the place for millennia and look at the issues we’ve caused.
Thanks for a great post.
Ohh what a great post and thought provoking. I hate all this finger pointing and saying this is degrading to women blah blah blah, what really needs to happen is for people to just be able to make up their own mind about things without being lynched regardless! Thanks for linking up to this weeks #BloggersBests
It seems to have really swung the other way with some women. I think you are right, feminism is about equality in the work place, eliminating pay gaps and have autonomy over our choices and decisions. It’s not about damning our sons before they are born. All the men in my life are wonderful too, there are some great guys out there. Thanks for linking up this week. #bigpinklink
I think everyone (well, everyone apart from that Ly person) has said how I feel (and the person with the #MeToo reference) Loved Lou’s line about damning our sons before they’re even born. I’m embarrassed to call myself a feminist now. #coolmumclub
Hey I’m a bloke and I not trash. Well not all of it! Great read
I completely agree with you. The balance is totally off and I see so many things that women are now doing and not being challenged over “because they’re women”. I frequently find myself saying “If a man said that or behaved that way in public there would be outrage!” It’s a shame that extreme feminism is in some cases undoing the work that so many incredible women have fought for. I definitely prefer to consider myself an equalist. Thanks for linking to #DreamTeam x
I call myself a feminist because I believe in the equality of women with men. I believe everyone should have equality of opportunity. I believe everyone should be judged by their inherent skills and qualities, and not because what’s in their pants. For me the issue isn’t feminism, it’s the way that the term has been portrayed misused by some or as a catch-all for narrower agendas. I am a mum to a boy. I want him to know that feminism was needed because women didn’t have the same choices as men, but now they do. Okay, it might not be universal and there’s still a lot of work to do in some areas, but I think there’ll always be a place in society for agendas which promote equality of choice and opportunity. #aBloggingGoodTime
You took the words right out of my mouth! I am a mother of two sons and I hate that feminism has been turned into this hate campaign against all men simply because they are born male. It infuriates me, which is why I don’t subscribe to the feminist movement but I also want to point out something totally different if this will help you in your view. In today’s world, especially here in the U.S Muslim is a bad word because of Extremists who have become terrorists and use their religion – twisting it rather – to spread their hate. Throughout history, almost every religion and social structure has conceived extremists who have twisted the original ideology and made it into something a lot more sinister, spreading fear and hate among the people. So, while like you, I don’t call myself a feminist, I do adhere to original ideology of feminism because I believe in equality for all. But I haven’t given up completely on feminism. This is very unfortunate that the extremists have given feminism a bad name because it’s not just for women but for everyone from all walks of life. Maybe people like you and me should work to bring back to the world what feminism was originally intended to do – bring equality to everyone. #MondayStumble
Well said. Extreme feminism to me, is not feminism, and I don’t recognise it as such. Feminism to me means equality and we need to stand up and shout about it to get the message across to everyone. I had a debate with my mum today who was enraged by ‘feminists’ dictating to others what they can and can’t do with their bodies. I don’t want to be tainted with that brush, so put her straight on what feminism really means. The media have a lot to answer for – giving ‘feminist’ extremists the spotlight on TV to get a reaction. We must keep up the good fight though for all our sons and daughters xxx #abloggingoodtime
I think this has to be my favourite blog post yet. Absolutely spot on. Every time I see a loose woman touching up a man on TV or parading one around in his pants then in the next breath complaining about the objectification of women, I want to shake the fucking TV.
I sincerely hope you don’t give up on feminism. There’s always going to be bullshit in every belief but it’s not true feminism. There’s the likes of TERFs and other radical feminism but I’m an intersectional feminist and that’s the real feminism right there. I’ve learnt so much since becoming a feminist and still have a long way to go. The media also makes things out to be like we are men bashing bitches and it’s horrible. If you join an intersectional feminist group on facebook, read the likes of Everyday Feminism, watch YouTubers like Kat Blaque, you’ll find true and real feminism. I really hope you don’t give up. It can be hard when people tamper with things and call it feminism when it’s not, but you learn the difference between it and the true intersectional feminism and it gets easier. #POCOLO
YES. the whole “feminism” thing has become really muddled. The world needs all kinds of kinds to go ’round. We have no right to be nasty to any one demographic. Also, do not all women want to be treated as equals?
True feminist do not bash men or hate men, I adore my son, he is eight ayers old and completely wonderful, I love my husband, have I met many bastards? YES! Have I been touched when I didn’t want to be? YES! I have had a lot happen due to men and their feeling that my body was somehow their property, but I do not hate all men. Am I a feminist HELL YES! Stand proud! #thesatsesh
People making blanket statements about anything whether it be sexist, racist, ableist is simply dumb and unforgivable. That metro article is sickening! We can not get equality by practicing inequality ourselves. #thesatsesh
#thesatsesh mother on a lion cub hears your roar. I agree, although I think id like to add that i dislike all categories. I am Lucy. Defined by myself, for myself…it doesn’t matter what gender i am, what sports i play or what sexuality i identify with – I’m not even like other Lucy’s….when we categorising people as feminists we alienate ourselves.
I think you have entirely misunderstood the things you are complaining about. I’d suggest you do some reading & educate yourself about feminism rather than writing about things you clearly haven’t understood.
Come on then Ly, why don’t you educate me on the things I’ve “entirely misunderstood”. I’m all eyes.
Does that mean all of the people who have agreed with me and have shared their own experiences on this post have misunderstood too?
Why don’t you tell me why declaring “all men are trash” is helpful to feminism?
It’s divisive. It’s dangerous. And it’s not the feminism I want to support.
No, educate yourself. I am not here to do the work for you. Lots of people commenting that they agree with you are repeating tired sexist tropes. The fact that you have uneducated readers doesn’t make you right. You are just recycling the ‘not all men’ crap that actual feminists are sick of hearing. Again, you do not understand what you talking about. Do some research.
You mean the ones who aren’t here for equality?
Ly, you’re a misandrist gynocentric democidal Delusional Fruitcake, how dare you scorn women here who reject your hate cult and tell them to get educated, you mean indoctrinated and brainwashed. None of the women here or men need any ‘ism’ and be made eternal victims of some Delusional oppressive spectre of the muh-patriarchy.
Education. Tell me who opened the first women’s refuge in the UK and world,… and was hounded out of the country with death and bomb threats to family members…. wait for it, by feminists because she had the courage and decency to speak up for and want to establish a men’s refuge for those meb who needed support… having found that women are just as likely to be domestically violent and in some ways more so where ‘relational abuse’ is concerned. What is her name?
Then have a good listen to Karen Straughan, Cassie Jaye, Diana Davidson, Camille Paglia et all
I’m the words of Jordan Peterson, you’d better take on some personal responsibility and pick up your burden bucko and think again sunshine. Feminism, is Cancer, like all isms they rot the mind, heart and soul, they distort reality and warp nature.
Women are equal to men, but different, we need each other, compliment and strengthen each other.
It is a cult of resentment entitlement and unaccountability, it’s aim to destroy the ‘pattiarchy’ is nothing more than attempting to destroy the western world using Marxist precepts of oppression and denial. It is pathological and in severe cases mental illness where the level of delusion and borderline psychopathy prevent growth development honesty and wellbeing.
Top blog ourrach, top mum, top woman.
Aren’t you that cringey bellend who wakes up every morning and trawls twitter for something to be outraged about?
Tell me, is it an effort sometimes? Do you struggle some days and have to clutch at straws for something to outrage you? I can relate, it’s like looking in the fridge, finding nothing so lowering your standards and starting again. You should be commended really, it doesn’t look easy being that much of a dickhead.
Why, though? That’s the question.
“Actual feminists” ly? Do you mean women can only be feminists if they believe the same thing as you? People who express a different opinion deserve dismissing in the way you just did?
You’re rather proving the OP’s point. All ideologies become divisive and oppressive. Believing in true equality requires, in my opinion, the rejection of ideology and the embracing of difference.
When women were marching for equal rights in the 20’s the did so with class. When they were marching for equal pay in the 50’s it was with class. Now women throw a vagina hat on and spew slurs about men. They have become a joke. As a woman, I love my husband, I cry at commercials, I think all babies are cute and I would rather wear my bra than burn it. Does that make me any less female? I think not. Let’s bring back the classy women please! #mondaystumble
I agree with you. I believe in equality, not in one gender getting a pass no matter what and in the other being labelled dicks. And yet, all I see is “all men are bastards.” That’s not helpful or equal; and it sure isn’t what feminism is about!
I love this. It’s basically my response to anyone who calls me a man hater when I say I’m a feminist! Feminism is for everyone. It benefits everyone! Extremists are rare but unfortunately get all the air time in my experience
I hear ya Rach. On the Brits last night there were some awkward and if a little, random, comments about ‘power to women’ and whilst I wholeheartedly disagree with any harassment, gender pay inequality, etc, I’m not sure I’m totally down with all of the bold yet non specific anger towards men.
It does feel as though feminism, or more specifically, equality has gotten a little lost.
Thanks so much for linking with #coolmumclub
I’ve been a bit fed up with certain aspects of feminism for ages but I only really started talking about it when my son was born. Incredibly sweet natured fellow, to this day – and it strikes me that although gender roles in the past have nothing to do with him, he will still be told to shut up when certain subjects are mentioned.
And what if he wants to become a dad one day? I’ve been lucky in this regard, but I’ve known several fathers whose lives have been messed up by a divorce – they have very limited recourse if they want to see their kids at all (some of whom have been taken to different countries)
There’s nothing equal about this – yet one gets the impression of a kind of silent conspiracy to keep it like this.
I’d add that the concept of “equality” is intellectually very problematic (equality of opportunity & outcome are 2 utterly different things) and this is one reason why people saying they want equality suggest authoritarian measures that well achieve the opposite.
And the gender pay gap argument is the most dishonest misunderstanding of statistics I’ve ever seen (a very hotly contested title). Nightmare..
Definitely up for equality. I definitely believe that women should have the same rights as men. But going as far as men are trash etc, not that extreme for me.
Some men are trash. But so are some women! lol.
Nice to e-meet you! #Coolmumclub
This is so true, I really identify with so many points. Well done for sharing such a truthful post #coolmumclub
I am a feminist , I also dislike the “all men are trash” narrative , seems lazy . I don’t think we get equality by lumping everyone with a penis in one huge group. I’m raising sons too and I’d like to think I’m sending decent people into the world! #globalblogging
Yes yes yes! 🙂 This is the version of feminism i subscribe to! Great post!
It’s a generalisation and not a wrong one. It’s like Russian roulette, just because most of the round has no bullets we don’t say it’s a harmless game. Same for men. Ly is spot on. Sorry. Your post snacks of internalised misogyny and you should really try and read more and learn more on this.
This has got to be THE most ridiculous collection of words I have ever read. The bitterness, the hate and contempt for men (A WHOLE GENDER) just pours out of you.
This is dangerous. Your comment is dangerous. Not the men in my life. The men who care for me and love me? They’re not dangerous. You are.
Yeah cos views based on reading books are more valid than views based on real lived experience aren’t they?
I studied Women’s Studies at university 15 years ago but the course was then cancelled for being sexist. I believe the sexes are equal but different and the differences need to be celebrated by society in a way that it doesn’t at the moment. Thanks for linking up with #globalblogging
I dunno I think the actual term ‘feminist’ belongs to our parents and grandparents generation. I have a son and a daughter and I would say I believe in equality of the sexes not necessarily feminism because as you say – it can be used by some as a man bashing weapon and thats not what its all about #bloggersbest
People seem to be too angry about too many things these day’s, i was taught to treat everybody the way i expect to be treated myself and really that is it.
PS: A dick is a dick male or female.
I believe treat everyone, regardless of gender, as you wish to be treated. Simple. #fortheloveofBLOG
Loved the post … Agreed with every word. Some of the comments, not so much! I’ve come to the conclusion I’m fine with feminism, it’s some feminists that I can’t stand.
This is a fantastic read, if I may add another view though, the point regarding allowing women to choose if the want to be grid girls etc is fair enough, heck if people didnt want to vomit at the sight of me like that i would do it and feel no less for it but I think there will be some women out there who do these jobs even though they personally would not like to, so its not easy to say give women the choice because in reality they maybe dont have one. Maybe some women do it because its easy money to support themselves or a family, maybe its the only job they believe they can get right now that pays a wage they need it to, I think my point is that all our decision making abilities whether male or female are manipulated by the world we live in, so although many women may still do these jobs, lets not assume they are doing them because they are happy to, they may believe its the best option for them right now,so maybe stopping it altogether for some women at least, gives them the push needed to go after what they really want? Instead of being stuck in a dead end job because its comfortable
I have just found this post and all I can say is that I’m so glad there are women like you. The term feminism is being lost in translation and when it is used these days, people automatically think of women who hate men. We need more people like you to show this isn’t the case.