Anyone who knows me knows my obsessions in life are my Vape, Tom Hardy and fake tan.
If I had to rank the aforementioned obsessions then the fake tan would probably take top spot. The thought of going more than a day or two without a orange golden hue makes me more than a little nervous.
Although, literally as I type this someone has sent me a stark bollock naked photo of Tom Hardy and now I don’t know what to think. What to feel. Or who I am anymore. So, yeah. My Vape and fake tan are my obsessions.
Over the years I’ve stayed pretty loyal to a brand. Step forward St Moriz.
It used to be St Tropez but at £30 a bottle and considering the amount I go through, I couldn’t really justify the extreme debt I was finding myself in. St Moriz, for me, came at the right time for all involved.
St Moriz is the most cost-effective tan I have ever used. It’s streak free (honestly, it is – there are so many fake tans that claim to be and they’re not; they’re shit), cheap, odourless and best of all the colour is superb. In my humble opinion of course, but remember, I’m a tan obsessive so know what I’m talking about.
Now, my tanning obsession has, in recent weeks, become shall we say; an absolute fucking thorn in my backside.
It’s been a really, really busy few weeks with lots of work events, social functions (sound like a bloody snob here don’t I?) and trips away thus my usual routine has been compromised significantly and I’ve had to give some serious thought to when I can tan, when I can scrub and when I can reapply. I’ve had to sit down on more than one occasion just to figure it all out. A spreadsheet may or may not have been involved.
This fortnight has been a bloody tanning nightmare. So much is going on and I need to ensure I’m the correct shade of orange brown at all times.
Time is precious, the hours are short and the need is urgent.
So step forward the product of my dreams. The answer to my tanning prayers.
Only it wasn’t. Far from it in fact. I was left bitterly, BITTERLY disappointed.
The guidelines clearly state that if you want a light tan then you leave the product on for 1 hour. If you want a medium tan then you leave it on for 2 and if you want to look like the bastard love child of Dale Winton (God rest his soul) and David Dickinson (i.e. me) then you leave it on for 3.
That’s fine. I have a 3 hour window where I can do the bare minimum and not run the risk of getting even a hint of moisture near my tacky, just painted body.
Applying it was laborious. To say the very least.
Usually I find applying fake tan quite relaxing. I find the St Moriz Fast Tan Mousse particularly easy to apply.
The Darker Than Dark though? Painful (not literally, it didn’t leave me writhing in actual physical agony). Horrible. Tiresome.
I did not enjoy it at all.
And the colour. Oh the colour. You’ve never seen anything like it in your life. A surge of panic burst through my veins.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK AM I GOING TO LOOK LIKE COME 10AM?
The below is a photo of what I looked like at 7am – 15 minutes post application.
Those 3 hours were tense. I toyed with the idea of washing it off after an hour and a half but that’s just not me. I’m one of those in for a penny, in for a pound types. Otherwise known as a fucking fool.
10am rolled round and I hopped into the shower. The colour of the water was similar to my first shower after Kasabian at King Power Stadium in Leicester back in 2016. Never wear flip flops to a gig. It’s stupid behaviour.
I waited until the water ran clear as an indicator that I was now free to vacate the shower cum bath (I miss having a separate shower/bath – they’re a real treat those things) and studied myself in great detail in the mirror.
So, how did I look? You probably don’t even care at this point and I can’t blame you to be honest, I can’t believe I’m still harping on.
There was barely a change from my pre-application appearance.
Honestly.
I had left this product on for about 5 minutes shy of the “maximum” 3 hour guideline and it was pitiful.
I was expecting this:
But was greeted by this:
Just without the can of Stella, because you know – 10am.
So, would I recommend St Moriz Darker Than Dark fake tan?
No. Not in a month of Sunday’s. Waste of time. Waste of money. Hopes utterly dashed. Dreams shattered into a million pieces.
This weekend I have discovered that you cannot achieve a DIY (dark) tan in sub 3 hours. So don’t even bother trying.
As for me and my current colour? I have since applied two coats of Dove visible glow self-tan lotion and have almost achieved my desired shade.
This. This stuff I would recommend. Immense.
