It’s funny how many people have said to me “back to the dating scene then” since I’ve come out a long-term relationship. I know the old saying “as one door closes, another one opens” but the way I’m feeling at the moment, the handle on that new door is red hot and I really don’t fancy getting burned.
Honestly, right now, the thought of throwing myself into another relationship with someone new isn’t a thought I’m relishing.
I know the time will come where I’m ready to meet a new bloke and can dedicate time to getting to know someone, but for the first time since I was twenty four: I’m single. And that’s the way it’s staying for the foreseeable.
I have learned so much about myself this year. And I want to continue that journey. Christ, I sound like one of those failed contestants on The X Factor banging on about journeys and learning curves. But it’s true.
I’m neither ready emotionally or mentally to meet someone new. I couldn’t be arsed signing up to a dating app, or as I affectionally refer to them: ‘online meat markets’. I’d likely call someone an arsehole within 30 minutes of signing up and that would be the end of that.
One day I might be subject to an attack of intrigue and find myself downloading Bumble or one of those apps that seem to frequent my Instagram timeline on the regular. How do they know I’m single? Are they reading my WhatsApp group chats?!! It freaks me out.
I’ve rebounded before and considering I’m a 33-year-old single woman, you can see those ventures didn’t quite work out.
That’s not to say I don’t understand why people do it. I can appreciate how someone’s self esteem might be at an all time low off the back of a failed relationship, so the natural thing to do might be to seek a ‘pick me up’ from another. I can understand how distracting yourself with another person might enable you to forget about any mental or emotional turmoil you’re experiencing. I can even, to a degree, see perhaps someone might know exactly what it is they’re looking for in a potential partner once they’ve closed the door on a relationship. However, for me personally, all I can see is a one-way ticket to disaster, with yet more wound licking at the end of it.
So many people seem to be in a rush to find ‘the one’ these days. And the quick moving nature of dating apps lends itself well to this. You could swipe right on someone at 9am & be staring into their eyes over a Carbonara come 2pm. Or even, if the mood takes you & you’re not too bloated from said Carbonara, end up indulging in some same day horizontal action. And if that works for you – great. Enjoy it.
My head is in a weird place at the moment, so letting another enter that weird place would be, well, weird. One day I’m fine, relishing my new independent status. My mood is good and I’m excited for the future. But the next I’m reflective and contemplative. A little overwhelmed.
I know that if I started seeing new people I’d be doing myself and them a disservice. My head wouldn’t fully be in it and that’s not fair. My mind is littered with so many thoughts. My to do list expands by the day (this living alone malarkey carries a lot of responsibility doesn’t it!). I just don’t have the mental or emotional capacity to be getting to know someone on that level currently. I certainly wouldn’t be giving them my “best self”. I’m not outwardly emotional, I’m not bursting into tears on the regular in the middle of Sainsburys. Moreover, I’m just very preoccupied.
Besides, if I do decide to flirt with dating, I want to write about it. I’m sure it would provide some pretty interesting content. They’d remain anonymous of course. I’m not that cruel.